It has been a while since I wrote one of these long-winded blogs as I have been in the drawing mode more lately, but let's start one and see where we end up...
I am feeling good! I am enjoying the busking again, I have pocketsful o geld again and some suave new acquisitions of suits and shoes. I got a nice new website and a new digital domain that I can make beautiful and fill with my art. I love to make any space I occupy beautiful. I made my studio very beautiful up to the last moment I was there; I was still placing things in their perfect positions and fixing the pictures that fell from the wall. My final day I went with a good heart to work, tried some vocals, did some vocalising, wrote some lyrics and then went to my good friend Herr Hoffmans and procured 6 kindles for the ensuing end ceremony of my year there.
I was 2 Kindles in when I made the first incision. It was a Picasso in the middle. Once I did the first one the energy just rushed over me. "Tear it down, tear it down!" Scott Walker was playing on the playlist as I picked picture after picture down whilst scrooning along with Scott's 'Mathilde'. It had been my own little space to make beautiful and to become a better musician. I succeeded. On that last day I did my usual vocal warm ups and realised I could do without the piano. I could sing the scale on my own! This was a big acheivement for me as I have wanted to control my voice more through these last years, not just scream out the lyrics with passion, but sing a set melody.
The pictures continued to tumble as memories of my time there flashed back to me. As I ripped all the furniture out of place and bagged my things I felt this incredible liberation. Like building a great sandcastle and then jumping on it. You feel so free when you are not afraid to let any thing you own go. All these things I had taken so much love in placing into their perfect positions to make a very cozy workspace were put in the corridor to go on to their next life. I kept my books and speakers of course and a few bits of lighting but everything else just went. I thought back to my time at the Magneet festival when everyone worked so hard to make a great place for a 6 week party and then the last few days where we burnt nearly all of it and put the place back to how it was when we arrived.
And I am happy about it. It was a wonderful phase in my Berlin adventure but nothing lasts forever and you have to go with the flow of the Universe. I felt I would concentrate on the busking again. I had lost the love for it over the summer and was close to giving up, but I persevered and started to enjoy it again. Then when my good friend Louis came back from Canada he joined me and we made some brilliant busks together! This lasted about a month before he flew back to Canada for a great studio job, I was sad to see him go of course, but the momentum has lasted with me and I feel I am in a good flow with the busking. I am enjoying it again and making some nice geld. I don't have the distraction of the studio and have been putting a good energy and enjoyment into each evening. Since I don't have the studio I have been going to the Ubahns late at night when noone is there and not using a mic but just experimenting with my voice. Trying to sing like they did in the twenties, or really cracking it.
I have been drawing lots aswell, my friend has a very wonderful digital easel. It is like magic as you draw on this glass screen with lots of different brushes and options. (Did I mention you can buy lovely print outs in the 'Shop' section, nudge nudge, wink wink ;) I have been going out drinking much less these days, I loved to go out and meet random people, reading palms and finding the crazy and beautiful characters from all over the world. I would buy myself a few Stortebekers and drift through the city looking for the music and the soul of the city. But for the last month or so I have just been thinking of busking as my night out. Now that Louis has gone it takes me a beer or two to really get into it and enjoy it. Drinking is a good busking tool, especially German pilsener. So I have a few beers and sing some songs and come home with a nice hat.
I have also gone through this identity change, I have felt like I have been leading a double life. Since being in Berlin I have gone solely on my artist name 'Winston Freeman' and the more I did, the more I felt I was separating myself from my old identity and birth name. It kinda felt like I was wearing a mask and needed to hide my past in order to believe that I am this character I created. I consider myself an honest person, but sometimes felt I was lying and hiding something when I introduced myself as Winston. You can't really escape who you were born as, as your name is engraved into you. I wonder how other artists felt who changed their name. Freddie Mercury, Elton John. Bob Dylan and David Bowie just changed their second names. It is important to seperate yourself a little from your art, but it was just strange in personal relationships to be called Winston. I have started introducing myself as Colin now, and I feel more real. There are a lot of people who will always know me as Winston and I am fine with that.
It started as my writers name, like George Orwell. It was in-fact taken a little from 1984, the main character from that novel. It is also the middle name of John Lennon and it has very powerful phonetics. Win- Stone - Ton - Wins. The surname of Freeman is self explanatory. I answer to no one but myself. It will always be my pen name and I like it very much, but I felt I shouldn't try to hide my real identity. Although, a big inspiration for doing it was reading 'Castaneda' and Don Juan says it is best to be mysterious, never let anyone know too much about you. I thought that was great advice, but how can I say that I adhere to it when I pour out my secrets and life in journals the whole world can (and does) read.
Well, this is turning out quite long so I think I might just leave it here for now, but I feel great and inspired to write more now that I have this new website and blog. I am soulfully searching for an ever changing me along a long winding road. I give myself to the holy trinity of Writing Words, Painting Pictures and Making Music. My life blood.